There are thoughts of my whole life going through my mind. My family. My childhood. Past friends. Past girlfriends. Past life events. Past travels. Current events. Current friends. Current failures. Past failures. People I want to talk to. People I wish I could talk to. Places I want to be. The sadness. The joy. The pain. The recovery. I want to run. I want to cry. I want to hide.
Then there are thoughts of how I’m a failure. If I can recover. If I can ever be good enough. Why can’t I be good enough? Why am I making such bad decisions all of a sudden? What has happened to me? What is my purpose? Why am I still here? Why have I survived for more than 20 years after a stroke? For what reason? What am I supposed to do? Why can’t I be a good lover? Why can’t I be a good brother? Why can’t I be a good friend? How do I be a good uncle? I can’t keep track of nor do I have any answers to any questions!
My head feels like it is about to explode with all of the pressure inside. It hurts so bad! But is it truly a physical pain? Or is it a mind trick to make me think so?
Yes…I am taking the “necessary” anti-depressants to “help” me stay on the right track. But, sometimes, the depression breaks through the medications. There is nothing that can be done about that.
Today is a bad day.